Subject: People (Page 3)

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer

Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Americans are like the straight, white man of cultures.

(1978 – ) Australian comedian, writer & actress

Woman’s influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

My body is a temple; unfortunately, my diet is ISIS.

American comedian

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

The Bible says gays aren’t natural; what? … and a talking snake is?!

(1980 – ) English comedian, television and radio presenter & actor

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Too slow to keep worms in a tin.

The French are masters of ‘the dog ate my homework’ school of diplomatic relations.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

(1912 – 2003) newspaper columnist

Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.

The number of women a man find attractive is truly proportionate to his age.

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian