Subject: People (Page 38)

I was so unpopular as a kid, Dale Carnegie once hit me in the mouth.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Characteristics Insults People

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

(1890 – 1970) French president, general & statesman
Death People

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
People Relationships

Friends are like fiddle-strings and they must not be screwed too tightly.

Friends People Proverbs

I had a woman come up to me at the airport and say, “I don’t mean to insult you, but you look like Bobcat Goldthwait.”

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director
Appearance People Self

If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.

Communication Murphy’s Laws People Speech

In creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the mark.

(1905 – 1983) Hungarian-British author & journalist
People Science/Weather

I married beneath me – all women do.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Marriage Women

At any particular time, there are more horse's asses in the world than horses.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws People

Give a civil servant a good cause and he’ll wreck it with cliches, bad punctuation, double negatives and convoluted apology.

(1928 – 1999) British politician & diarist
Occupations People Work

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
America Government People Places Politicians

Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Insults Opinion People

My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape… I choose round.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Appearance Body Self

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Food/Drink Self

The French are masters of ‘the dog ate my homework’ school of diplomatic relations.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
People Places

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
America People Places

So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhea!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Insults People

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Self Sex

Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.

Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967) biographer & poet
Conflict People War

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Emotions Girlfriends Laughter Relationships Sex