Subject: People (Page 40)

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Friends Marriage Men

I was so unpopular as a kid, Dale Carnegie once hit me in the mouth.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Characteristics Insults People

A homeless guy asked me for 2 pounds, so I gave him 1.67 because that’s what a woman would get paid for doing the same job.

British comedian
Men Money People Women Work

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Government People Women

Amateur: One who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience

People

We have met the enemy and it is us.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
People Signs

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).

William Sydney Porter (1862 – 1910) American writer
People Relationships Women

Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example.

(1613 – 1680) French writer
Age Intelligence Old People

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director
Alcohol Beer Communication Men Sex Speech

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Age People Understanding

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they him.

People

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

You think of me as narcissistic when actually I'm just oblivious to other people.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics People Self

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Children People Sex

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! – alcoholic and a racist!

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Insults People

There's only two white men that black people love: Bill Clinton and Bob Barker.

(1963 – ) American comedian
People

I am… an inflated swimsuit.

(1966 – ) English dance-pop singer, actress & former model
Insults People Self