Subject: People (Page 49)

The word “lady” most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People

I have become rather like King Midas, except that everything turns not into gold but into a circus.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
People Self

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

Behind every great man there lies a great woman… and one in front of him as well if he’s lucky.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Men People Women

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress
Housework Marriage Men

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Government Intelligence People Reading/Writing

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

(1951 – ) U.S. senator (Minnesota), political commentator, comedian & writer
Characteristics People Self

A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

(1909 – 1973) American sports journalist
People Sports

There's only two white men that black people love: Bill Clinton and Bob Barker.

(1963 – ) American comedian
People

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.

People

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
People Science/Weather

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.


Intelligence People

If [the weather] didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Communication Conversation People Science/Weather Speech

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Individuals People

Look at this dais… you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer… and then eight white people.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People Self Situations

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Time

A man who catches a big fish doesn't go home through an alley.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Characteristics People

I think the Japanese are smart people – stereotypically so.

(1982 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence People