Subject: People (Page 49)

You might be a redneck if… you smoked during your wedding.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Marriage People Rednecks

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

The Arabs are only Jews upon horseback.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Fools Intelligence Mistakes People Problems

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

(1918 – 1986) American lyricist
Money People Women

A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.

Murphy’s Laws People

Martina was so far in the closet she was in danger of being a garment bag.

1944) is an American writer & screenwriter
People Sex

My cholesterol count has a comma.

(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health Self

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Conflict People

Needing someone is like needing a parachute; if they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
People

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Men Things Time Women

He’s an animal lover… people he don’t like so much.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
People

You might be a redneck if… you own a Waffle House credit card.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Money People Rednecks

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

(1864 – 1910) French author
Animals Money People

… it was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics People

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

(1928 – ) English zoologist, ethologist, painter & author
Animals People

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs God People Self

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Eating Food/Drink People

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Health Old Women

A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor he is not alone in the way he feels about himself.

(1910 – 1963) Canadian-born U.S.-based film actor
People

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Conflict Killing Men People Women