Subject: People (Page 52)

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
People

A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.

(1820 – 1903) English philosopher
Government Intelligence Law People

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Fools Intelligence Money People

The trouble ain't that people are ignorant; it's that they know so much that ain't so.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Intelligence People

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
People Places Things

A man always blames the woman who fooled him, in the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Men People Women

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

You might be a redneck if… you take a six-pack cooler to church.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Beer People Rednecks

I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Friends People Young

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People Women

The United Nations is a good idea, but it’s a pity they have to have so many foreigners in it.

Government People

Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.

movie character in The Mask (Amy Yasbeck)
Men People Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Music People

And most men seem to think ‘mutual orgasm’ is an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Men People Sex

You may be a redneck if… your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics People Rednecks

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is, not even the Irish.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
People Places

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class; from ten feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
Appearance People Women