Subject: People (Page 6)

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

You might be a redneck if… you've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
America People Places

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.

(1904 – 1999) author, editor, radio host
Intelligence Mind Mistakes People Problems

The Mexicans… these tiny little men from South America.

British sports commentator
Boxing Misspokements People Sports

Ordering a man to write a poem is like commanding a pregnant woman to give birth to a red-headed child.

Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967) biographer & poet
Communication Men People Reading/Writing Women

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities Men People Women

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Intelligence People Things

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self

It’s amazing the fans want to see me play; it’s kind of scary; I guess that’s what’s wrong with our society.

professional baseball player
People Self

I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Friends People Young

Behind every great man there lies a great woman… and one in front of him as well if he’s lucky.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Men People Women

You might be a redneck if… the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Marriage People Rednecks Wives

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

(1942 – ) American author and teacher
Intelligence Men People Women

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men Money Work

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

Men People Women

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Accidents Failure People

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment People Self