Subject: People (Page 61)

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Friends People

Intuition: That strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.

Characteristics Definitions People Women

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.

(1920 – ) Hungarian writer
Emotions Laughter People Self

Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Alcohol Food/Drink People

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities People Sports

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships

We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Characteristics England People Places

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Self

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you… he… loves you.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Men People Relationships

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.

Definitions People

During the feminist seventies men were caught between a rock and a hard-on; in the fathering eighties they are caught between good hugs and bad hugs.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist
Conflict Men Past Women

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

I've pretty much behaved like a knucklehead my entire life.

(1972 – ) American actress & former model
Characteristics People Self

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Men Mistakes People Sex Women

Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels.

(1958 – ) Australian author
People Women

You might be a redneck if… your down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Entertainment Intelligence People Rednecks Television

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Alcohol People Rednecks

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People Self

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Happiness Language People Sex