Subject: People (Page 62)

Give a civil servant a good cause and he’ll wreck it with cliches, bad punctuation, double negatives and convoluted apology.

(1928 – 1999) British politician & diarist
Occupations People Work

A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.

Murphy’s Laws People

A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air; a psychotic is the person who lives in it; a psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

(1915 – 2004) American playwright & author
Occupations People Work

Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex… but I say, what’s wrong with while we’re having dinner?

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

Nobody believes the official spokesman… but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

(1934 – ) American White House Press Secretary for President Gerald Ford
People

Apparently, when they say ‘peace and love,’ what they really mean is ‘filthy and annoying.’

stand-up comedian
People

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher… nobody listened.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
People Self

Women are not forgiven for aging; Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.

(1937 – ) American actress, writer, political activist, & fitness exponent
Age Men People Women

A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.

(1931 – ) American author & journalist
Beliefs Conflict Law People

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; this is the principal difference between dog and man.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Characteristics Dogs People

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
People

If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
People Problems Self

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Characteristics Children Fear Health People

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Men People Women

If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Men Money People Sex

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Beliefs Driving Murphy’s Laws Opinion People

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

(1969 – ) American singer-songwriter & musician
People Places Travel