Subject: People (Page 62)

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty, and I’ll show you a man.

(1942 – ) American author and teacher
People Women

I'm convinced that his voice comes out of his eyelids.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Entertainment People

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication Individuals People Speech Thinking

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright
Fools Intelligence People

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs People Self

There is no ‘I’ in self-esteem.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Characteristics Self

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

You might be a redneck if… your last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks

You might be a redneck if… you refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education People Rednecks School

In the duel of sex, woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Men People Women

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Marriage People Wealth

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

(1937 – ) English author
Men People

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian
People Relationships Women

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

(1952 – ) comedian
Beliefs Characteristics People Religion

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

(1924 – ) Canadian writer
Communication People Self

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

(1928 – ) English zoologist, ethologist, painter & author
Animals People

Walter Mondale has all the charisma of:a speed bump.

(1952 – ) American political satirist
Insults People

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Family Mothers People Self

Americans always try to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
America People Places

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese… and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Family People Relationships

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

People Sex