Subject: People (Page 62)

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Age People Women

My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
People Sex Women

I’m selling a “Bigfoot hunting for Christians” book because people who believe in both will obviously buy anything.

American comedian
People

I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Self

An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.

Murphy’s Laws People

I set records that will never be equaled; in fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball Self Sports

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs God People

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Intelligence People

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People

You might be a redneck if… you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage People Rednecks Relationships

You know a man is a redneck if his mama has got in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
People Rednecks

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Intelligence People

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

(1934 – ) writer & editor
Intelligence People Places Science/Weather Stupidity

If it has genitals on the outside it’s hiding something on the inside.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Men People TV/Movie Quotes

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Clothing Men People Women

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

(1918 – 2004) radio and television comedian & talk show host
People

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher… nobody listened.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
People Self

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Self

For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, ‘Damn, that was good!'

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Men People Sex

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.

(1900 – 1977) American novelist, essayist & autobiographer
Men People Sex Women