Subject: People (Page 81)

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People Women

X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

Definitions Men People

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

You might be a redneck if… you got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

I never met a man I didn’t like until I met Will Rogers.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
People

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Money Occupations People Work

The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Murphy’s Laws People Work

I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”

comedian
Appearance Body People

We have the power to bore people long after we are dead.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright
Communication People Reading/Writing Self

I’m thrilled that the American people stopped him from running this time; as a citizen, I’m happy about that, but as a comic, I weep.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
America Elections/Voting Government People Politicians

The most efficient water power in the world – women's tears.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Women

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms People Things

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

(1869 – 1948) Indian leader of independence movement
Characteristics People

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

Men People Women

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he’d scored.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Dating Men People Relationships

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Money People

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children People Places

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

Americans always try to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
America People Places

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People