Subject: People (Page 84)

Nature gave man two ends – one to sit on and one to think with; ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.

(1867 – 1937) American anti-militarist writer & political activist
Intelligence People

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Dating People Relationships Self Sex

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Education School Self

The man has not been born for whom I will iron a shirt.

(1939 – ) English actress
Activities Housework Men

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

People

Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws People Women

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Conflict Crime People

If you are flattering a woman, it pays to be a little more subtle; you don’t have to bother with men, they believe any compliment automatically.

(1939 – ) English playwright
Characteristics Men People Women

In the nineteenth century, life was hard for Europe’s pheasants.

Malaprops People Poverty

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Individuals Work

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Sex

Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.

Golf Murphy’s Laws People Sports

A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun.

America Arms Conflict People Places

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink People Situations

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
People Relationships

Women don't want to hear what you think; women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication People Speech Women

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Individuals Money People

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
People Wordplay

Yeah, I'm kind of lazy… I'm dating a pregnant woman.


Dating People Relationships