Subject: People (Page 88)

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician
Alcohol Food/Drink Insults People

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Ugly

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
People Self

I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.

European comedian & actor
Conflict People War

Every crowd has a silver lining.

(1810 – 1891) American politician, showman & businessman
Money People

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! – alcoholic and a racist!

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Insults People

You might be a redneck if… you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic
Characteristics People

There are four kinds of people: those who sit quietly and do nothing, those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, those who do things, and those who talk about doing things.

Communication Murphy’s Laws People Speech

There are more horses’ asses in this world than there are horses.

Animals Murphy’s Laws People

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Intelligence People Stupidity

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

(1935 – ) screenwriter, author, director & producer
Characteristics Emotions People Self

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Men People Sex

The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
England People Places Sports Time

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat People Women

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive
Appearance Body People Self

Women are absolutely equal; they just can't quite lift as much.

(1953 – ) American singer, songwriter, actor, author & radio personality
Men People Women

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Books Communication People Reading/Writing Self

The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Situations

A modest man is usually admired, if people ever hear of him.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Characteristics People