Subject: People (Page 93)

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Intelligent people, when assembled into an organization, will tend toward collective stupidity.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People Stupidity Wisdom

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health Self

Redneck: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions People

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography.

(1903 – 1966) English writer
Books Communication People Self

When a guy writes a scene where a woman does a deviant sex act on camera, it’s objectifying; but when a woman writes it, it’s feminism.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Men People Sex Women

Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.

Definitions Self

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

You might be a redneck if…… you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
People Women

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs Friends Money People Wives

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming “No, that’s not what I said!”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Girlfriends People Relationships

There are those who don't even like to be rubbed the right way.

Murphy’s Laws People

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.


Men Relationships Women

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
People

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Communication England People Places Speech

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Men People Speech Women

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things