Subject: People » Self

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
People Self Sex

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian
America Communication Language People Self

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher… nobody listened.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
People Self

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him.

(1564 – 1642) Italian astronomer, physicist, engineer, philosopher & mathematician
Intelligence People Self

I'm not anti-social – I'm just not social.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics People Self

I am the rock between me and the hard place.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
People Problems Self

A gossip is someone who talks to you about others, a bore is someone who talks to you about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

(1925 – 1990) American actor
Communication Conversation People Self Speech

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage People Self

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Self Time

If I want to wear my tits on my back, that’s my business!

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Appearance Body Self

Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Self

I’m not very domestic… for years my children though mold was a frosting.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist
Cooking Food/Drink People Self

I only have ‘yes’ men around me; who needs ‘no’ men?

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
People Self

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

[I’m someone] who spends his time at parties in the room with the coats and whose idea of a good time is to go down to the bus terminal and pretend I’m going somewhere.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Characteristics People Self

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Situations

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self