Subject: People » Self

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Emotions People Self

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Self Sex

I’m a typical Capricorn; I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn and I don’t believe in astrology.

(1974 – ) American Internet entrepreneur
People Self

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

I can’t die… it would ruin my image.

(1914 – 2011) American exercise expert
Appearance People Self

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves.


People Self

Be good and you will be lonely.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People Self

I know [my head] is big because every time I'm in a picture, it always looks like I'm really close to the camera.

Canadian comedian
Appearance Body Self

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher… nobody listened.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
People Self

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine… the staples covered everything!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Beliefs God Self

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Self

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Self Television

Sorry, Peg, I didn’t hear you; I was thinking of killing myself.

(1946 – ) American actor
Self TV/Movie Quotes

There are a good many fools who call me a friend, and also a good many friends who call me a fool.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Age Fools Friends People Self

You know that creepy-looking guy you stare at two seats behind you, thinking, who would come to a movie by himself? That's me.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey People Self Sports

When I was young, I looked like Al Capone but I lacked his compassion.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Self

Flattery is telling people exactly what they think of themselves.

Characteristics People Self