Subject: People » Self (Page 13)

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Mothers Self

Every time I sew a button back onto a shirt, there are then two solid minutes where I sincerely believe I would've survived the Oregon Trail.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
People Self

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Ugly

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Life Self

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

When I got through with him, he was all covered wit' blood… my blood.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor
Conflict Fights Self

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost and people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Miscellaneous People Self

Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Self Sports

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment People Self

We may never know exactly how much others know about us, but we can always suspect it.

People Self

I don’t consider myself a pessimist; I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain… and I feel soaked to the skin.

(1934 – ) Canadian singer-songwriter, musician, poet & novelist
Beliefs People Self

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

Excuse my dust.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Epitaphs Self

Considering the company I keep in this place, that is hardly surprising.

(1894 – 1978) Australian prime minister
Government People Self

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian
Characteristics Dating People Relationships Self

If you try hard enough you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Murphy’s Laws Self

I am… an inflated swimsuit.

(1966 – ) English dance-pop singer, actress & former model
Insults People Self

Be good and you will be lonely.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People Self

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Self Situations

Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Beliefs Self

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations