Subject: People » Self (Page 16)

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships Self

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no one can leave.

(1936 – 2018) American actor
Entertainment Film People Self

Sometimes I think [my writing] sounds like I walked out of the room and left the typewriter running.

(1890 – 1960) journalist, author & dramatist
Communication Reading/Writing Self

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian
Doctors Health People Self

When having my portrait painted I don’t want justice, I want mercy.

(1862 – 1952) Australian Prime Minister & politician
Art Entertainment Self

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
People Self

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

(1921 –2003) American editorial & war cartoonist
People Self Situations

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Relationships Self

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs Characteristics Self

If I want to wear my tits on my back, that’s my business!

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Appearance Body Self

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Ugly

I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.

American comedian
Health People Self

I get up and a button falls off… I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off; I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Problems Self

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs People Self

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
People Self Sex

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.

(1896 – 1969) American congressman & senator (Illinois)
Characteristics People Self

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you – not one of you – enter!

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
People Self

I called Dial-a-Prayer and they hung up on me.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
People Self

If they cut my bald head open, they will find one big boxing glove. That's all I am.

American boxing champion
Boxing Self Sports

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Dating People Relationships Self Sex

All right, brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
People Self TV/Movie Quotes