Subject: People » Self (Page 17)

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My psychiatrist once said to me, “Maybe life isn't for everyone.”

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

You sit there and you talk about yourself for an hour straight, and the other person listens to everything you say; it's like I'm the guy on a date.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host

He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful.

(1905 – 2000) English writer

I'm not indecisive; am I indecisive?

(1947 – ) American politician & mayor

To last as long as I did with the skills I had, with the numbers I produced, was a triumph of the human spirit.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My first job consisted of me answering a phone… but it wasn't for me.

British comedian

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Four of us slept in the one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

How do people make new mates?… asking for a friend.

Comedian & writer

The sheer immensity of the human self as envisioned by the world's religions is awesome.

(1919 – ) American religious studies scholar

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs; and then I dance, and they’re like ‘not like that!’

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager

I was not a particularly small child; I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school play.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian