Subject: People » Self (Page 2)

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

(1956 – ) American comedian
People Self Sex

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Death People Self Situations

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self

I go to New York and I saw a big sign saying “America Loves Smirnoff” and I said to myself, what a country!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America New York City Places Self

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase… ‘Constant super-vision.’

(1964 – ) English comedian
People Self

I would rather be an opportunist and float than go to the bottom with my principles round my neck.

(1867 – 1947) British politician
Characteristics Self

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

If you try hard enough you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Murphy’s Laws Self

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost and people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Miscellaneous People Self

When I don't look like the tragic muse, I look like the smoky relic of the great Boston Fire.

(1832 – 1888) novelist
Appearance People Self

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations

It's hard to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenics just because she lives in your body.

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Health People Self

We may never know exactly how much others know about us, but we can always suspect it.

People Self

I get up and a button falls off… I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off; I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Problems Self

Elvis may have been the king of rock 'n' roll, but I am the queen.

Richard Penniman (1932 – ) American singer & pianist
Entertainment Music People Self

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I'm really not a Facebook or Twitter guy; I'm a prime-rib-and-baked-potato guy.

American baseball player & manager
Baseball People Self Sports

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Appearance Body People Self