Subject: People » Self (Page 2)

I know when (women) don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
People Self Women

If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Beliefs God Self

My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s; he’s 29, I’m 34.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian
Age People Self

When I die, if the word ‘thong’ appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I’ve screwed up.

(1947 — ) American actor, writer, comedian & director
Death Self

My body is a temple; unfortunately, my diet is ISIS.

American comedian
Appearance Body Self

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Mothers Self

I’m the female equivalent of a counterfeit $20 bill; half of what you see is a pretty good reproduction, the rest is a fraud.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Appearance Body People Self

I have decided to keep a full journal, in the hope that my life will perhaps seem more interesting when it is written down.

(1946 – 2014) English writer & humorist
Books Communication People Self

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager
Occupations People Self Work

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian
America Communication Language People Self

When I dance, people think I’m looking for my keys.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Dance Entertainment Self

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self

I’m a man of no convictions… at least I think I am.

(1946 – ) British playwright, screen writer & film director
Characteristics People Self

They used to shoot her through gauze; you should shoot me through linoleum.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Appearance People Self

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

In elementary school, I made an ashtray for Dad… it caught fire.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Self TV/Movie Quotes

I have become rather like King Midas, except that everything turns not into gold but into a circus.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
People Self

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

(1965 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Communication People Self Speech

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self