Subject: People » Self (Page 4)

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Mothers Self

There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

British-Asian comedian
People Self Situations

I can take any amount of criticism so long as it is unqualified praise.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Communication People Self

Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.

Definitions Self

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Self Sex

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Dating People Relationships Self Sex

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults Marriage Self

I saw what’s going on under my chin; I don’t want to be the one the president has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance People Self

It's not what you are but what you don't become that hurts.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Self

At all those banquets, stars get up and give credit to their coaches and parents; I give credit to no one; I made myself what I am today.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball Self Sports Success

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him.

(1564 – 1642) Italian astronomer, physicist, engineer, philosopher & mathematician
Intelligence People Self

I’m not only Iranian, I’m also Jewish, and I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, ‘Wow, he’s Iranian and Jewish; I don’t know if I should hate him or hate him.’

American standup-comedian
Emotions People Self

I look like a mix between a Jew and a guy who would drive by in a truck and yell "Jew.”

American comedian
Appearance People Self

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Food/Drink Self

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Mind Self TV/Movie Quotes

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no one can leave.

(1936 – 2018) American actor
Entertainment Film People Self

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Self