Subject: Places (Page 24)

The all-night drugstore closed at noon.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.

(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer

Holland lies so low they're only saved by being dammed.

(1799 – 1845) English writer

The Welsh are just Italians in the rain.

(1929 – ) British television & radio critic

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

(1925 – ) American comedian, actor, writer, teacher & lecturer

In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.

(1942 – ) British travel writer & novelist

Just been with my girlfriend to a nice little place run by some Italians… it was Italy.

(1968 – ) English comedian, writer, director & musician

Beverly Hills is so exclusive… their fire department won’t make house calls.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

America never lost a war or won a peace conference.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The train system is so chronic now, that any journey you undertake by train in Britain is identical to the one taken by Omar Sharif in Doctor Zhivago.

(1958 – 2006) English radio performer, stand-up comic & writer

Tasmania is famous for its shape, which is the same shape as the pubic hair region on a woman's body, which I personally don't identify with; mine's more like a map of the former Soviet Union… not to scale.

(1978 – ) Australian comedian, writer & actress

Without geography you're nowhere.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The Austrians are brilliant people. They made the world believe that [Adolf Hitler] was a German and [Ludwig van Beethoven] an Austrian.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.

(1973 – ) Iranian-born British comedian

Stand on two phone books almost anywhere in Iowa and you get a view.

American author

When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host