Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Places
(Page 24)
The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
Jackie Vernon
(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Places
His home town
The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.
John Cleese
(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer
England
Food/Drink
Places
Holland lies so low they're only saved by being dammed.
Thomas Hood
(1799 – 1845) English writer
Communication
Language
Places
Dams
Holland
The Welsh are just Italians in the rain.
Nancy Banks-Smith
(1929 – ) British television & radio critic
People
Places
Wales
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Shelley Berman
(1925 – ) American comedian, actor, writer, teacher & lecturer
Places
Hotels
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.
Jonathan Raban
(1942 – ) British travel writer & novelist
Murphy’s Laws
Places
also Law of Nations
Water
Just been with my girlfriend to a nice little place run by some Italians… it was Italy.
Stewart Lee
(1968 – ) English comedian, writer, director & musician
Places
Italy
Beverly Hills is so exclusive… their fire department won’t make house calls.
Mort Sahl
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Hollywood
Places
Beverly Hills
Exclusive
America never lost a war or won a peace conference.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
America
Conflict
Places
War
Peace conferences
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
America
Places
Closed
Philadelphia
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
America
Congress
Government
Places
Problems
Criminal class
The train system is so chronic now, that any journey you undertake by train in Britain is identical to the one taken by Omar Sharif in
Doctor Zhivago.
Linda Smith
(1958 – 2006) English radio performer, stand-up comic & writer
England
Places
Railroad
Tasmania is famous for its shape, which is the same shape as the pubic hair region on a woman's body, which I personally don't identify with; mine's more like a map of the former Soviet Union… not to scale.
Hannah Gadsby
(1978 – ) Australian comedian, writer & actress
Places
Tasmania
Without geography you're nowhere.
Jimmy Buffett
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Places
Science/Weather
Geography
According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Places
Science/Weather
Space
The Austrians are brilliant people. They made the world believe that [Adolf Hitler] was a German and [Ludwig van Beethoven] an Austrian.
Billy Wilder
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Places
Austria
If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places
What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.
‘Shappi’ Khorsandi
(1973 – ) Iranian-born British comedian
Government
Places
Wordplay
Iran
Stand on two phone books almost anywhere in Iowa and you get a view.
Bill Bryson
American author
Places
On the flatness of Iowa
When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.
Bette Midler
(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
England
Places
Time
London
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman
(1947 – ) comedian & television host
New York City
Places
Crime
Page 24 of 46
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