Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Places
(Page 24)
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States; ask any Indian.
Robert Orben
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
America
Places
Problems
Illegal aliens
There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class.
Judith Martin
(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)
America
Places
Social classes
The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.
Hermann Keyserling
(1880 – 1946) Baltic German philosopher
America
Beliefs
Facts
Places
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
Evelyn Waugh
(1903 – 1966) English writer
Education
England
Places
School
The most serious charge which can be brought against New England is not Puritanism but February.
Joseph Wood Krutch
(1893 – 1970) American writer, critic & naturalist
Cold
Places
Science/Weather
New England
Winter
Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain.
Thomas Kettle
(1880 – 1916) Irish economist, barrister, writer, soldier & politician
Places
Ireland
He was once visiting the French Quarter during a hurricane and got blown behind a dumpster.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
People
Places
Sex
Bill Clinton
French Quarter
The definition of an atheist in Alabama is a person who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.
Wally Butts
Georgia football coach
Beliefs
Places
Alabama
Atheism
Bear Bryant
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce
(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Places
Miami Beach
Neon
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing – and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Will Rogers
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
America
Money
Alexander Hamilton
Debt
National debt
U.S. Treasury
Small Town: Where everybody is interested in what the Joneses will name the latest baby, while a big city is where they worry about what the zoo will call the new elephant.
Anonymous
Definitions
Places
Small town
I was born in Alabama, I was raised in Georgia; I'm so Southern I'm related to myself.
Brett Butler
(1958 – ) American actress & stand-up comedian
Places
Relationships
Alabama
Georgia
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
Michael Crichton
(1942 – 2008) American author, producer, director & screenwriter
Places
World
Certainty
The Irish… don’t care for clean government; they want
Irish
government.
Stephen Leacock
(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist
Government
People
Places
From “Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich”
Irish
No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab.
Scott Adams
(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Places
City
Taxi cabs
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Parents
Places
Young
Moving
I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.
Yakov Smirnoff
(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities
Places
Sex
Bathing
Russia
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America
Intelligence
People
Blood
Knowledge
The Beverly Hillbillies
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
Daniel Tosh
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education
England
Places
School
Prison
Night Club: A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din in dinner.
Anonymous
Definitions
Places
Night Club
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
J. Stuart Keate
(1913 – 1987) Canadian journalist
Canada
Places
Page 24 of 46
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