Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Places
(Page 31)
I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink
Places
Neighborhood
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Places
German wine
Label
Vinegar
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
America
Places
Bras
Women's liberation demonstration
A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.
Cal Wilson
(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality
Characteristics
Places
World
New Zealand
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Eating
Food/Drink
Places
Louisiana
Canada? I don't even know what street it's on.
Al Capone
(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Canada
Places
Let’s be frank, the Italians’ technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven.
Bill Bryson
American author
Places
Italy
Tell me where you want to go. If they have a team, I'll schedule them.
Abe Lemons
(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach
Basketball
Places
Sports
What he asks players he is recruiting
I really don't like living there; I have to for health reasons; I'm very paranoid, and New York's the only place where my fears are justified.
Anita Wise
American comedian
Health
New York City
Places
Paranoia
The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.
Hermann Keyserling
(1880 – 1946) Baltic German philosopher
America
Beliefs
Facts
Places
To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Places
Outdoors
The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Places
Small town
In Los Angeles, by the time you’re 35, you’re older than most of the buildings.
Nora Ephron
(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Age
Old
Places
Los Angeles
The English think soap is civilization.
Heinrich von Treitschke
(1834 – 1896) German historian & political writer
England
Insults
Places
Civilization
Soap
The town had the coldest temperature in all the
contagious
states.
Anonymous
America
Malaprops
Places
Contiguous
Canada is an entire country named Doug.
Greg Proops
(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Canada
Places
Doug
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country; the study has a margin of error of 100 percent.
Conan O'Brien
(1963 – ) television host & comedian
Places
New Jersey
No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab.
Scott Adams
(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Places
City
Taxi cabs
You might be a redneck if… the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Places
Rednecks
City
Wal-Mart
What you take for lying in an Irishman is only his attempt to put an herbaceous border on stark reality.
Oliver Joseph St John Gogarty
(1878 – 1957) Irish poet, author, athlete & politician
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
People
Places
Ireland
Rome had senators too, and that is why it declined.
Frank Dane
(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Places
Politicians
Decline
Rome
Senators
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