Subject: Places (Page 31)

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.

(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Canada? I don't even know what street it's on.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster

Let’s be frank, the Italians’ technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven.

American author

Tell me where you want to go. If they have a team, I'll schedule them.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

I really don't like living there; I have to for health reasons; I'm very paranoid, and New York's the only place where my fears are justified.

American comedian

The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.

(1880 – 1946) Baltic German philosopher

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host

In Los Angeles, by the time you’re 35, you’re older than most of the buildings.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

The English think soap is civilization.

(1834 – 1896) German historian & political writer

The town had the coldest temperature in all the contagious states.

Canada is an entire country named Doug.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country; the study has a margin of error of 100 percent.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

You might be a redneck if… the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

What you take for lying in an Irishman is only his attempt to put an herbaceous border on stark reality.

(1878 – 1957) Irish poet, author, athlete & politician

Rome had senators too, and that is why it declined.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor