Subject: Places (Page 41)

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

(1964 – ) Canadian writer & novelist

An Englishman considers himself a self-made man, and thereby relieves the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.

Part-Time Woman Wanted: What a country… even transvestites can get work.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.


You can travel fifty thousand miles in America without once tasting a piece of good bread.

(1891 – 1980) novelist & painter

America is a large friendly dog in a small room; every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

(1889 – 1975) English historian

I've been mostly camping and living in hostiles.

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

American: One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses.

They say if the Swiss had designed these mountains… they’d be flatter.

(1941 – ) novelist

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

I’ve been here (Los Angeles) eight months; I have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn't handle my mother.

comedian & television writer

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

I think, in 10 years, hell's gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.

(1965 – ) American comedian

If you buy your July 4 supplies at Walmart you can celebrate our independence from Britain and our dependence on China at the same time.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor