Subject: Places (Page 44)

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America Places

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Places

Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication People Places

We’re the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
America Places

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Canada Places Things

When you get a mammogram there, it comes with a two-drink minimum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Places

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

(1925 – ) American comedian, actor, writer, teacher & lecturer
Places

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water… so it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Places

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

I should mention I’m not actually from Canada; my father was just stationed here during the Vietnam War.

Canadian comedian & author
Canada Places

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Places

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada Education Learning

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor
Entertainment Music People Places

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics People Places

Three o’clock in the morning, you can get truck tires, falafel and a bag of heroin – in the same store.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
New York City Places Shopping

Look at a sweater made in Ireland… it’s like a turtleneck made out o Brillo pads. – On Irish people not wanting comfort

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Places

Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.

Definitions Places

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

(1922 – 2007) American novelist
America Emotions Fear Government School

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into [a store] and punched someone in the face.

English musician, actor, writer & comedian
Conflict Fights Places World

They've great respect for the dead in Hollywood, but none for the living.

(1909 – 1959) Australian-born American actor
Characteristics Hollywood Places