Subject: Places (Page 45)

In America, we won't let somebody who's terminally ill have the right to take their own life… but yet, we'll let Evel Knievel jump over the Grand Canyon with a damn moped.

American stand-up comedian

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he’s lonely.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

We’re not used to weather in June in this country.

professional football player, coach & executive

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The Irish people do not gladly suffer common sense.

(1878 – 1957) Irish poet, author, athlete & politician

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.

(1913 – 1994) 37th U.S. president

It is not a fragrant world.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter

A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

The train system is so chronic now, that any journey you undertake by train in Britain is identical to the one taken by Omar Sharif in Doctor Zhivago.

(1958 – 2006) English radio performer, stand-up comic & writer

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

(1922 – 2007) American novelist

The suburbs are like the bleacher seats of life.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Graceland is so tacky, Puerto Rican people walk out of there going, 'That's some tacky stuff there, man.'

American comedian & author

In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist , or is a therapist going to a therapist.

(1924 – 1984) American author

A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun.

I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a shitload.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist