Subject: Relationships » Dating

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

You still chase women, but only downhill.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

If you treat a girl like a dog, she’s going to piss on you.

(1964 – ) American singer-songwriter & musician

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky; the woman already knows.

American comedian & writer

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

Dating: An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.

I used to go missing a lot – Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany…

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player

I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause… two birds.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.

(1965 – ) American actress, model, singer & producer

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be “Great, I like that bar and they’ll have the Rockets game on too.”

(1983 – ) American comedian

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Have you ever been dating anyone, and you think they're normal, and all of the sudden, they start freaking out on you?… yelling, 'Untie me!'

television writer, actor

I'm single now, and it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

American comedian

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

American actress