Subject: Relationships (Page 15)

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be “Great, I like that bar and they’ll have the Rockets game on too.”

(1983 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships

You might be a redneck if… the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Money People Rednecks Relationships

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Intelligence Relationships Stupidity

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian
Dating Men People Relationships

The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Relationships Situations Women

In Washington, you can’t take friendship personally.

Government Politics Relationships

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Relationships

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Dating Relationships Sports

[My mother] had something like ‘time out;' it was called ‘knock out.'

American comedian
Age Relationships Young

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Dating Relationships Sex

Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Definitions Men People Relationships

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Relationships

Eventually soul mates meet, for they have the same hiding place.

American writer
People Relationships

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Dating Definitions

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner; tactics is getting her to drink it.

(1920 – 1998) English comedy writer, radio & television personality
Dating Situations

I used to go missing a lot – Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany…

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player
Dating Misspokements

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Dating

My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.


Dating Marriage Relationships

Monica: Okay, everybody. Relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

(1969 – ) Canadian-American actor
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes