Subject: Relationships (Page 16)

I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian
Dating Sex

I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.

Relationships

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Places Relationships

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
Men Relationships

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics People Relationships

Eventually soul mates meet, for they have the same hiding place.

American writer
People Relationships

My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York; … instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here – I'm drunk.'

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Places Relationships

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Age Dating Sex

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Dating Relationships Taxes Work

Love matches are formed by people who pay for a month of honey with a life of vinegar.

(Countess of Blessington) (1789 – 1849) Irish novelist
Relationships

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Dating

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

(1952 – ) comedian
Mothers Relationships

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Relationships

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Wives

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
People Relationships

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

For three years everything was going great, and then she just upped and left me to find a guy who wouldn’t hit her.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Girlfriends People Relationships

I belong to no organized party… I am a Democrat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Government Politicians Politics Relationships

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

Communication Dating Intelligence Speech