Subject: Relationships (Page 16)

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

American playwright, television writer & author
Emotions Relationships

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

American actress
Dating Relationships

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian
Characteristics Dating People Relationships Self

My sister just got married; I was the maid of debt in that little event.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Marriage Money Relationships

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist
Intelligence Relationships Stupidity

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian
People Relationships Women

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator
Dating Sex Situations

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Dating Money

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Relationships Sex

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Friends People Relationships

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.

Dating Definitions Relationships

You might be a redneck if… your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Relationships

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships School Sex

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you… he… loves you.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Men People Relationships

It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.


Relationships

What are answering machines for if not to break up with someone who bores you?

American playwright, television writer & author
Relationships Things