Subject: Relationships (Page 3)

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me; I know guys I wouldn’t go out with.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating Relationships

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened… the bathroom door, for example.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer
Relationships Sex

I used to go missing a lot – Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany…

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player
Dating Misspokements

I grew up… in a house filled with love… my cousin lived there and she put out.

(1950 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, writer, singer & producer
Relationships Sex

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Emotions Girlfriends Laughter Relationships Sex

I just broke up with my girl friend, I caught her lying… under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Relationships Sex

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend… I love this girl… I know I love her because she told me.

American actor & comedian
Dating Emotions Love Relationships

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice; one day, he took me aside and left me there.

American comedian
Intelligence Memory Relationships

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Family Relationships

It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.


Relationships

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Family Mothers People Relationships Time Women

There is no such thing as an unattached woman.

Murphy’s Laws People Relationships Women

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband… if she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.

(1866 – 1946) English author
Girlfriends Relationships

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist
Age Animals Dogs Friends People Relationships

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Family Relationships Sex

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Canadian comedian & actor
Intelligence Memory Relationships Situations