Subject: Relationships (Page 6)

My husband and I have a monotonous relationship.

Malaprops Relationships

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Relationships

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese… and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Family People Relationships

I did think about adopting… an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Housework People Relationships

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Men People Relationships Women

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships Self

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Friends People Relationships

Most people deserve each other.

Murphy’s Laws People Relationships

I used to go missing a lot – Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany…

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player
Dating Misspokements

The economy is so bad that I put my wife back on Match.com, just for the free dinners.

comedian
Relationships

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Friends People Relationships

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Money Relationships

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Communication Dating Relationships Wordplay

You might be a redneck if… you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage People Rednecks Relationships

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian
People Relationships Women

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age People Relationships Women

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Relationships

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist
Death Relationships

I belong to no organized party… I am a Democrat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Government Politicians Politics Relationships

Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes