Reviews/Criticism | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Reviews/Criticism (Page 13)

This is an old idea, beautifully expressed by Wordsworth, who said, ‘Heaven lies about us in our infancy.’ If I could quote the whole poem instead of completing this review, believe me, we’d all be happier. But I press on.

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Baby Geniuses”

Real-life military trainers – regardless of gender – never make you say, ‘Wow you’re hot!’ They make you say, ‘I’ll do whatever you want, please don’t hurt me.’

Rob Vaux

writer, editor & film reviewer

Reviews/Criticism “Annapolis”

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Assassination Tango”

“This sucks on so many levels.” — Dialogue from Jason X. Rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought.

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Jason X”

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Miscellaneous Reviews/Criticism “Coach Carter”

There is a word for this movie, and that word is: “Ick.”

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Good Luck Chuck”

The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust made a better deal.

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen”

Captain America is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Captain America”

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Thor”

This time, the Force wasn’t with him.

Wallace Baine

film reviewer

Reviews/Criticism On “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”

There’s not a scene… that isn’t awful.

Mark Palermo

American writer & film critic

Reviews/Criticism “Because I Said So”

This poem will not reach its destination.

Voltaire

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

Reviews/Criticism On Jean Baptiste Rousseau's ode “To Posterity”

You’ll have more fun setting fire to yourself in the parking lot. You’ll be more entertained getting hit by a bus.

Rob Vaux

writer, editor & film reviewer

Reviews/Criticism “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever”

Even this comedic triumvirate cannot prevent the script’s biggest feat of magic: making the laughs disappear.

Kirk Baird

writer & film reviewer

Reviews/Criticism “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone”

Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock; after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.

David Randolph

American choral conductor, director, teacher & radio host

Entertainment Reviews/Criticism Time Written by Richard Wagner

Little Indian, Big City is one of the worst movies ever made. I detested every moronic minute of it…if you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again.

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Little Indian Big City”

It was the visual equivalent of Pringles: unfortunately, we couldn't stop watching it, albeit through our fingers. Painful.

Tanya Sweeney

Irish writer & reviewer

Reviews/Criticism “The Dinner Party”

Mostly makes you want to go home and have a shower.

Liz Braun

movie critic

Reviews/Criticism Of “Killer Joe”

Michael Madsen? Michelle Rodriguez? ‘I’ll take “Actors Who Should Never Appear in Period Pieces” for $500, Alex.’

Rob Vaux

writer, editor & film reviewer

Reviews/Criticism “Bloodrayne”

Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way.

Roger Ebert

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter

Reviews/Criticism “Battlefield Earth”

Purists, be warned: This scare-flick quickie [House of Wax] has as much relation to the 1953 Vincent Price classic with the same title as Paris Hilton does to acting.

Peter Travers

American film critic & televison interviewer

Insults Reviews/Criticism “House of Wax”

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Subject: Reviews/Criticism (Page 13)

This is an old idea, beautifully expressed by Wordsworth, who said, ‘Heaven lies about us in our infancy.’ If I could quote the whole poem instead of completing this review, believe me, we’d all be happier. But I press on.

Real-life military trainers – regardless of gender – never make you say, ‘Wow you’re hot!’ They make you say, ‘I’ll do whatever you want, please don’t hurt me.’

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

“This sucks on so many levels.” — Dialogue from Jason X. Rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought.

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

There is a word for this movie, and that word is: “Ick.”

The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust made a better deal.

Captain America is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

This time, the Force wasn’t with him.

There’s not a scene… that isn’t awful.

This poem will not reach its destination.

You’ll have more fun setting fire to yourself in the parking lot. You’ll be more entertained getting hit by a bus.

Even this comedic triumvirate cannot prevent the script’s biggest feat of magic: making the laughs disappear.

Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock; after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.

Little Indian, Big City is one of the worst movies ever made. I detested every moronic minute of it…if you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again.

It was the visual equivalent of Pringles: unfortunately, we couldn't stop watching it, albeit through our fingers. Painful.

Mostly makes you want to go home and have a shower.

Michael Madsen? Michelle Rodriguez? ‘I’ll take “Actors Who Should Never Appear in Period Pieces” for $500, Alex.’

Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way.

Purists, be warned: This scare-flick quickie [House of Wax] has as much relation to the 1953 Vincent Price classic with the same title as Paris Hilton does to acting.