Subject: Sex (Page 19)

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

(1895 – 1972) American director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex; I had to disappoint her… we had sex.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

My girlfriend called me at 11:00 this morning and said “I'm still in bed." … I said, “I know, I’ve had sex with you.”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright

I’ll have what she’s having.

(1914 – 2008) American actress & singer

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

(1967 – ) Honduran-born American comedian, writer & actor

Abstinence is a perversion.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

I don’t identify as transgender… I identify as tired; I’m just tired.

(1978 – ) Australian comedian, writer & actress

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Women can have multiple orgasms? Right… I’ll believe it when I see it.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals, it’s just that they need more supervision.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer

I'm not saying older women are sluttier; I'm just saying, an older woman isn't gonna make you wait 'til three in the morning 'cause she's got shit to do the next day.

American comedian

In real love you want the other person's good; in romantic love, you want the other person.

(1886 – 1973) American writer

I don’t care for sex; I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise; I prefer sports, where you can win.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian