Subject: Sex (Page 29)

You [women] like mystery, ‘cause it’s not a mystery to you; you know when you’re gonna get laid.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
People Sex Women

The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Health Sex

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

I once walked in on my grandparents making love… and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Sex Situations

(Paul is licking wedding invitation envelopes) Jamie Buchman: How are you holding up?
Paul Buchman: Well, if I had two more tongues, I’d be the happiest person on Earth.
Jamie Buchman: (lights a cigarette) Second happiest.

(1963 – ) American actress, film director & screenwriter
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous… that’s easy… it’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.

(1958 – ) American film & theater actor
Sex Success

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce Marriage Sex

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health Sex

Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?

(1922 – ) actor, film director, producer, writer & comedian
Age Old Sex

I’d rather spend New Year’s Eve alone than at a party; then at least there’s a guarantee of sex.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Sex

Contrary to the old wives' tale that bloody-minded trainers put around, a little love-in before the main event can do you more good than a rub-down with The Sporting Life.

English boxer
Boxing Sex Sports

Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' … and I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'

comedian
Marriage Sex

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education Sex Young

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny; if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Food/Drink Men People Sex

I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment; sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not; I prefer it when he’s not… sex is a lot quicker.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Relationships Sex

The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet, and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up.

comedian
Activities Sex

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

People Sex

Self-abuse is the sincerest kind.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Activities Self Sex

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Opinion Sex