Subject: Sex (Page 33)

Suzanne, if sex were fast food, there’d be an arch over your bed!

(1939 – 2010) American actress

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings.”

Jamie Buchman: Would you please tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippee?

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Virginity is a balloon in the carnival of life, that vanishes with the first prick.

The three words you never want to hear while making love… honey, I'm home.


Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

When you don’t have any money, the problem is food; when you have money, it’s sex; when you have both, it’s health.

(1926 – ) Irish American novelist & playwright

Nobody ever had to steal Georgie's affections – he gave them away at the drop of a skirt.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

People think I hate sex; I don’t; I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, “What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I grew up… in a house filled with love… my cousin lived there and she put out.

(1950 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, writer, singer & producer