Subject: Sex (Page 5)

Men love to be thought of as funny… except when they’re in bed.

(1968 – ) American actress & singer
Men Sex TV/Movie Quotes

My girlfriend said she wanted me to dominate her; so I said, “OK, let’s play Scrabble.”

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence Sex

Sex: The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

Lord Chesterfield (1694 – 1773) British statesman
Sex

[Leonard & Alice are kissing] Leonard: Damn it, I can’t. I can’t do this.

Alice: Is it my tongue stud? ‘Cause if that freaks you out, you’re in for a real surprise later on.

(1978 – ) American actress
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Self Sex

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

Age Definitions Sex

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Health Sex

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it – if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

American actor & comedian
Food/Drink Sex Speech Women

In the middle of an asthma attack she got an obscene phone call; the guy said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”

comedian
Health Sex

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

… geronomous zones and the floorplay, you spoil all the waddya call the mystiqueries of things.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Sex

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I have no problem with homophobia; as long as they do it behind closed doors.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Fear Sex

I wish I had as much in bed as I get in the newspapers.

(1946 – ) American singer
Sex

I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.

(1980 – ) English comedian & writer
Sex

In the past few years, I've only had sex with months that end in 'arch.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sex

I ain't a man of carnival instinctuals like you.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Sex

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

I’m going down so often these days you’d think I was making a blue movie.

English boxer
Boxing Misspokements Sex Sports