Subject: Sex (Page 9)

The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.

(1942 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, writer, director & author
Sex

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

I used to think I was great in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.

(1961 – ) American-born Scottish comic & card magician
Sex

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book… or a friend who’s read one.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Age Books Friends People Sex Sleep

Sex is like a game of bridge… if you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Games Sex

Losing my virginity was a career move.

(1958 – ) American singer, actress & entrepreneur
Sex Work

My favorite [sexual] position is called the plumber… you stay in all day, and nobody comes.

(1923 – 2009) British barrister, dramatist, screenwriter & author
Sex

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

(1927 – 2007) American newspaper columnist
Books Communication Eating Food/Drink Reading/Writing Sex

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

The only time you've had enough is when you've just finished.

Murphy’s Laws Sex

I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex Sleep

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Eating Fat Food/Drink Sex

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
Sex

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girlfriends People Sex

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Sex

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex… but I say, what’s wrong with while we’re having dinner?

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Opinion Sex

Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl.

(1894–1971) American author
Sex

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex