Subject: Situations (Page 10)

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Situations

Getting caught is the mother of invention.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Mistakes Problems Situations

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

I was planning on my future as a homeless person… I had a really good spot picked out.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

Proverbs Situations

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Facts Situations

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

It only hurt once… from beginning to end.

(1920 – 2004) American swimming coach
Activities Situations

Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

(1892 –1957) American comic actor (of Laurel & Hardy)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather Situations

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Intelligence Situations

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer
Activities Situations Sleep Time

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn’t find it.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Yogi-isms

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals Situations

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations