Subject: Situations (Page 10)

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

I’m not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are driving me to desperation.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

I tried to throw a yo-yo away; it was impossible.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

At a dinner party in Hollywood, an British author was shredding the reputation of a Broadway actress, capping it with, "She's her own worst enemy."
To which Kaufman quietly added, "Not while you're alive."

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
People Situations

Never murder a man who is committing suicide.

Government Murphy’s Laws Politics Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics Situations

Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.

(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People Situations Success

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors Health Situations

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Killing Situations

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations

If anything goes bad, I did it… if anything goes semi-good, we did it… if anything goes really good, then you did it; that's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
People Situations Success Work

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Insults Situations