Subject: Situations (Page 15)

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Proverbs Situations

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People Places Situations

Ain’t ya never heard silence is gold?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex Situations

Going fast while you are lost won't help a bit.

Science/Weather Situations

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Crime Situations

Let fightin' dogs lie.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Animals Malaprops Situations

Nothing screams “Welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress; “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft… hope you like it.”

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Situations

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Insults Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

Never moon a werewolf.

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Problems Situations

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I haven't had time for tobacco since.

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Activities People Situations Women

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I had to recently move back home, because my mom was having trouble paying both our rents.

Actress & comedian
Money Situations