Subject: Situations (Page 16)

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Beliefs Situations

Caught a guy at the store comparing apples and oranges.

comedian & actor
Situations

I hate cold showers – they stimulate me, and then I don't know what to do.

Situations

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Life Situations Sleep

The status quo sucks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Situations

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Dance Family Past Relationships Situations Things Time

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed… she said one pig in the blanket was enough.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Food/Drink Situations

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.

Communication Definitions Situations Speech

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

Being tired isn't the same as being rich, but most times it's close enough.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Money Situations Wealth