Subject: Situations (Page 16)

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give a man AIDS, and you don’t have to give him any fish.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

Irony is when you buy a suit with two pairs of pants, and then burn a hole in the coat.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman
Situations Work

I was mistaken for a prostitute once in the last war; when a GI asked me what I charged, I said, ‘Well, dear, what do your mother and sisters normally ask for?’

(1911 – 2003) English actress
Situations

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him.

(1982 – ) American author
Appearance Clothing Situations

I’m a simple man; all I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

(1954 – 2011) Canadian author
Situations

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Situations

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Science/Weather Situations

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

Expressions Situations

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Intelligence Situations

Ray Wilkins' day will come one night.

English football player & manager
Misspokements Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Situations