Subject: Situations (Page 16)

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

There's no real need to do housework – after four years it doesn't get any worse.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Housework Situations Work

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations

I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Situations

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Proverbs Situations Time

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Situations

It is my last wish to be buried sitting up.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Death Situations

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Emotions Happiness People Situations Sleep

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.

Situations

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

(1908 – 1965) American broadcast journalist & newscaster
People Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Situations Time

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation… bad idea… the people are farmers.

comedy writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

(1924 – 1973) American comic
Situations

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations