Subject: Situations (Page 17)

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

In order to make a man or boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.

Characteristics Men People Situations

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Money Situations

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist
Communication Situations Speech Time

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals People Situations

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics Situations

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut; I don’t understand why she’s crying… I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Relationships Situations Women

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations

I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex Situations

When we’re unemployed, we’re called lazy; when the whites are unemployed, it’s called a depression.

(1941 – ) American civil rights activist & Baptist minister
People Situations Work

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work