Subject: Situations (Page 18)

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People Places Situations

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Government Situations Sleep

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Situations Things

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
Characteristics Situations

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room; I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Sex Situations

It was a tough gig; they had to wake me up to fire me.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

(1933 – ) American telejournalist
People Situations

Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back… luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Entertainment Situations Television

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Situations Success