Subject: Situations (Page 18)

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Football Situations Sports

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

Proverbs Situations

If all else fails, try the obvious.

Problems Proverbs Situations

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather Situations

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Sex Situations

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today; they left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities Driving Situations

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

I called someone an Indian giver recently, but they were really offended, so I had to take it back.

( 1981 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

Somehow I never quite know what’s going on.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Life Situations

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Entertainment Government Situations

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations