Subject: Situations (Page 19)

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

I was mistaken for a prostitute once in the last war; when a GI asked me what I charged, I said, ‘Well, dear, what do your mother and sisters normally ask for?’

(1911 – 2003) English actress
Situations

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from Earth?

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
People Situations

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist
Communication Situations Speech Time

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of the rope.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in!

Situations

I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex Situations

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations Time

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time Work

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

Animals Expressions Places Situations

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time