Subject: Situations (Page 19)

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Situations

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Science/Weather Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

He has me sitting on pins and cushions waiting.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Misspokements Situations

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old Situations Work

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Religion Situations

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

Cutting off a mule's ears doesn't make it a horse.

Appearance Proverbs Situations

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Beliefs Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on… and this person must be fired.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark… and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

(1949 – 1982) American comedian, actor & musician
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Irish journalist
Situations

The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.


Activities Situations Travel

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations