Subject: Situations (Page 2)

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

Things started to snowplow.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Situations

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating People Relationships Situations

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Housework Situations World

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

North Miami is one of those exits off I-95 where you say, 'Damn it, I don't need gas that bad.'

comedian
Places Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat kid.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Situations

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes