Subject: Situations (Page 2)

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People Self Situations

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Situations

The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements Situations

That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Hair People Situations

If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Age Old Situations Young

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Places Situations World

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

I took a baby shower.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Hay smells different to lovers and horses.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Situations

Maybe my mind chewed off more than the mind should bite.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Most jobs resemble a sled dog team: no one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Intelligence Situations Wisdom