Subject: Situations (Page 21)

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Characteristics Situations

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

(1934 – ) English actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Situations Time

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

If you volunteer to do a task that nobody likes to do, you'll be expected to do it every time in the future.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Characteristics Situations

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation… bad idea… the people are farmers.

comedy writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question… wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question.

American basketball player & coach
Basketball Situations Sports

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Science/Weather Situations

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Dating Relationships Situations

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations

Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Government Situations

I went to convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

I took a baby shower.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations