Subject: Situations (Page 22)

Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

television writer, producer & director
Appearance Body Situations

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

Sometimes I need what only you can provide — your absence.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations

Never darken my Dior again!

(1894 – 1989) Canadian actress
Appearance Clothing Situations

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Situations Time

I had to recently move back home, because my mom was having trouble paying both our rents.

Actress & comedian
Money Situations

When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Problems Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Situations

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Sleep Work

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

(early 20th Century) American painter
Situations

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.

(1945 – 1997) American novelist & scholar
Death Situations

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
Characteristics Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations