Subject: Situations (Page 22)

If anything goes bad, I did it… if anything goes semi-good, we did it… if anything goes really good, then you did it; that's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
People Situations Success Work

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies; mine read, “Be quiet for a little while” Hand his read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Food/Drink Situations

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Science/Weather Situations

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

People Situations

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

[Coedness] is like a radical agenda forced on college students.

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Education Misspokements School Situations

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I'm not against half-naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing Situations

Usta could…

Situations

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work