Subject: Situations (Page 22)

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Adventure is just bad planning.

(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer
Situations

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group… but it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations Sleep Speech

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I’m going to kill him with my bear hands.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men People Situations Women

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

People Situations

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

typographer
Relationships Situations

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

(1957 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion Situations

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Places Situations

The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

Activities Games Murphy’s Laws Situations

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work