Subject: Situations (Page 23)

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations

Going fast while you are lost won't help a bit.

Science/Weather Situations

There was a big Hollywood producer in the crowd the other night; one thing led to another, and before you know it – he was gone.

comedian
Situations

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Beliefs Girls Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Situations

I can tolerate without discomfort being waited on hand and foot.

(1908 – 1986) English cartoonist, author, art critic & stage designer
Situations

There are two tragedies in life; one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Life Situations

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

television writer, producer & director
Appearance Body Situations

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women