Subject: Situations (Page 25)

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

I've been on more laps than a napkin.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.

(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Alcohol People Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

If all else fails, try the obvious.

Problems Proverbs Situations

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

(1872 – 1956) English essayist, parodist & caricaturist
Situations

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

Proverbs Situations

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations Time

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Proverbs Situations

When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job" … well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

[Extending his hand at a campaign stop] I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements Situations

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

Most jobs resemble a sled dog team: no one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations