Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 25)
If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Kathy Lette
(1958 – ) Australian author
Men
People
Situations
Breakfast in bed
Kitchen
A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations
Things
Grave
Rut
When someone close to you dies… move seats.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death
Situations
The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations
Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.
Bertrand Russell
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Emotions
Happiness
People
Situations
Sleep
You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Freeman's Extension
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Dirt
You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Death
Life
Situations
Trains
I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.
A British soccer commentator
Beliefs
Misspokements
Situations
Luck
You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.
Ann Richards
(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance
Situations
Semantics
My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Flirting
When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Autos
Drugs
Situations
Acid
Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.
Irvin Cobb
(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People
Places
Situations
Climate
Hell
There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.
Katharine Whitehorn
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America
Arms
Situations
Things
Cigarettes
Gun
The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood II
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Babies
Sun
He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Government
Situations
Sleep
Of Calvin Coolidge
If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?
Danny Chrastina
(1975 – ) English physicist
Appearance
Hair
Situations
Perms
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping
Situations
Sales
I never drink coffee at lunch, I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
Ronald Reagan
(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Coffee
Naps
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Lane Olinghouse
American free-lance writer
People
Situations
Temptation
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.
Irvin Cobb
(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication
Emotions
Situations
Humor
No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People
Situations
Page 25 of 53
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I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.