Subject: Situations (Page 25)

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

(1958 – ) Australian author

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?

(1975 – ) English physicist

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I never drink coffee at lunch, I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

American free-lance writer

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist