Subject: Situations (Page 25)

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor, and you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber.

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships Situations

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Situations

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.

(1941 – ) novelist
Characteristics Situations

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Age Old People Situations

I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob.

(1928 – 2008) American singer, songwriter & rock and roll pioneer
Entertainment Music Situations

Oops. Wrong cookie.

Situations

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs Situations

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Beliefs Government Murphy’s Laws Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.

Situations

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Situations Sleep