Subject: Situations (Page 25)

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money People Situations

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

(1880 – ?) American author
Situations Work

It if smells bad and is sticky, it will eventually find its way onto your children or your shoes.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine – two dinners!

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Relationships Situations

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values – and witnesses.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics Situations

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Conflict Situations War

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex; fortunately they didn't see me for almost 10 minutes.

American comedian
Sex Situations

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

Why do they collect garbage at 5 a.m.; it’s garbage… it’s not going to go bad again.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Situations Time

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations