Subject: Situations (Page 26)

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Places Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

Two blind fellows walk into a wall…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
People Situations

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Sometimes I need what only you can provide — your absence.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Body Characteristics Situations Things

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

Sometimes, when I’m sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work; they never last too long though, because invariable someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.

Situations

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

Sex Situations

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations