Subject: Situations (Page 27)

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Problems Situations

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations Time

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

Things always go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation… bad idea… the people are farmers.

comedy writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Ain’t ya never heard silence is gold?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

I never lost my job while I was leading a race.

American auto racer
Auto racing Situations Sports Work

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Situations

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Problems Situations

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Life Situations

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Activities Situations Sleep

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations

I violated the Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn’t count; building arks does.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman
Situations