Subject: Situations (Page 29)

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician
Situations Sleep

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest.

Malaprops Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

comedian
Situations Sleep

My wife, she’s another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, “Shhh, be quiet; you’ll wake your father.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Problems Situations

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Situations

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Problems Situations Wordplay

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

We better not, ya know, kill our chickens before they cross the road.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Animals Malaprops Situations

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer
Activities Situations Sleep Time

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

scriptwriter & author
Places Situations