Subject: Situations (Page 29)

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America People Situations

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter
Golf People Situations Sports

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Beliefs Situations

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex Situations

The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Situations

More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

(1954 – ) American television host, actress, producer & philanthropist
People Situations Success

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never let the bastard back into my room again… unless I need him.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
People Situations

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Relationships Situations

Living well is the best revenge.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Life Situations