Subject: Situations (Page 3)

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Law Situations

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex Situations

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time Work

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Situations

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

comedian & animator
Situations

There's no real need to do housework – after four years it doesn't get any worse.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Housework Situations Work

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.

Age Characteristics Friends Murphy’s Laws Situations