Subject: Situations (Page 3)

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor, and you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber.

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships Situations

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Eating Food/Drink Proverbs Situations Sleep

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; but you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Never mistake motion for action.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Situations Work

When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Friends People Situations Young

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations Wordplay

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Time

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.


Murphy’s Laws Situations

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things