Subject: Situations (Page 3)

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos Situations Sports

I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.

(1847 – 1912) English comedian, writer, composer, actor & singer
Characteristics Situations

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy’s Laws Proverbs Situations Sleep

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector; and just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men People Situations Women

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Situations

I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.

Situations

Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Mistakes Problems Situations Time

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations