Subject: Situations (Page 3)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships Situations

Some people feel the rain – others just get wet.

(1936 – 1992) singer, songwriter, musician & actor
People Situations

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Science/Weather Situations

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Work

I called someone an Indian giver recently, but they were really offended, so I had to take it back.

( 1981 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Situations

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Situations

When I can’t sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Books Insults Reading/Writing Situations

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor
Situations

Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

comedian
Situations

Mediocrity imitates.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Only have a nervous breakdown if you’ve got loads of money, and then you can really enjoy it.

(1955 – ) English composer, singer, songwriter & producer
Health Money Situations

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.


Murphy’s Laws Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes