Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 3)
Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Law
Situations
Michael Jackson
Reasonable doubt
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."
Margaret Smith
stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex
Situations
Virgin Mary
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations
Moccasins
Smell
I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
Tom Rhodes
(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment
Situations
Movies
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Ice cold
You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.
Bruce Baum
(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating
Food/Drink
Situations
Cannibalism
Jeffrey Dahmer
Twice: Once too often.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Situations
Twice
I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Characteristics
Situations
Chaos
Frenzy
If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
Norm Crosby
(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations
Coffee
Eyes
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations
Time
Work
Accomplishments
Day
You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.
Stock's Observation
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt
Situations
Dryers
Socks
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Dogs
Situations
Blind dates
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Maps
Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’
Alasdair Beckett-King
comedian & animator
Situations
Coincidence
There's no real need to do housework – after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Quentin Crisp
(1908 – 1999) English writer
Housework
Situations
Work
He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
Karen Addison
comedian & radio personality
Frugal
Money
Situations
Date
McDonald's
Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations
Bible
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson
(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations
Fire drill
When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.
Evans's Law of Political Perfidy
Age
Characteristics
Friends
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Influence
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