Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 3)
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing
Situations
Sleep
Things
Pajamas
Pockets
If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.
Mario Andretti
(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos
Situations
Sports
Control
Racing
I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.
George Grossmith
(1847 – 1912) English comedian, writer, composer, actor & singer
Characteristics
Situations
Dignity
Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.
Anonymous Traffic Report
Autos
Misspokements
Situations
Things
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
Proverb
Murphy’s Laws
Proverbs
Situations
Sleep
Snoring
All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
Grant Wood
(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals
Ideas
Intelligence
Situations
Cows
To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector; and just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
Jarod Kintz
(1982 – ) American author
Emotions
Love
Situations
Lie detector
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men
People
Situations
Women
Woods
You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Situations
Birth
Pool table
Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
Benny Hill
(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Situations
Hot pants
I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations
Fire
If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed.
Casey Stengel
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Ice cold
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals
Appearance
Situations
Things
Bird in hand
Nose
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
Jay London
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations
Window of opportunity
Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Situations
Stupidity
TV/Movie Quotes
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death
Situations
Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.
Ruthe Phoenixmas
Situations
Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Mistakes
Problems
Situations
Time
Experience
I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'
Larry 'Bubbles' Brown
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping
Situations
Condoms
Lottery
I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Traffic
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