Subject: Situations (Page 3)

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Situations

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Age Old People Situations

When you are hunting elephants, don’t get distracted chasing rabbits.

(1928 – 2019) American business magnate a&d financier
Situations

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Money Situations

I went to convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

(early 20th Century) American painter
Situations

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

Better late than… pregnant.

Proverbs Situations Time

Busier than a moth in a mitten!

Expressions Situations

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Sleep Work