Subject: Situations (Page 3)

Sometimes I need what only you can provide — your absence.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Situations

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Age Situations Time

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

Up the creek without a saddle.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation… bad idea… the people are farmers.

comedy writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs Situations

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations Time

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day… I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Situations

The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Situations