Subject: Situations (Page 30)

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian
Relationships Situations Sports

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

Never position a rock near a hard place.

(1962 – ) English writer
Communication Situations Wordplay

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Proverbs Situations

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather Situations

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements Situations

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job" … well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

There is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money Situations

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations